Pictures in this post are taken in Victoriastadt/Kaskelkiez, Lichtenberg.
I have just discovered that the anagram of Sandra Juto is SATAN ODJUR, which means SATAN BEAST in English. Maybe I should start a metal band called Satan Odjur. Maybe it’s time to try to write about what has happened to me lately, which explains my way of living since as long as I can remember. This will be personal, makes me feel quite vulnerable and I do it because if I can make just one person out there feel less alone, well here it is, let me tell you about the Satan Odjur inside of me:
I recently got diagnosed with bipolar disease (luckily type 2 which is the lighter version). The shrink asked me if I sometimes feel like I want to start a political party. I said no, but it sounds like fun. He asked me if I ever want to die. I said yes, about every third day for as long as I can remember. So now I’m on meds, I really wanted to stay away from meds, but hey I give up! Now I’m hoping they will help me live at least a little more of a stable life, it’s exhausting when I live pretty peacefully for 2 days, building up things and planning the future. Then day 3 comes and I destroy everything and sometimes I’m seriously thinking about wanting to die. Then back to where I started, hoping, believing, bulding and planning. My life has been more or less like this no matter how I tried to think differently, whatever changes I made. Sometimes it’s been more stable, but never long enough.
When I was 15 years old and was about to finish 9th grade, the teachers wrote a song about us pupils. Very nice things about everyone, but the lyrics about me were Sandra is often wet from tears. I was so ashamed, I have always been ashamed of being the one who is too emotional, until pretty recently. Now I embrace it, I have the ability to feel a lot and when I feel really good, I very much relate to how people say they feel on ecstasy (it’s not uncommon that people ask me if I’m high). Thank you, hypomania.
So the situation is like this: I can handle the (hypo)manic parts in life; they give me great energy, I keep my feet on the ground, I sometimes talk a lot, too fast and my thoughts don’t always make sense to anyone else (need to find somewhere to channel this). People suffering from bipolar disease type 1 (the rough one) might spend a lot of money or do things with negative consequences when they are in that emotional state, this is something I luckily never do. My problem is the depressive part; I sometimes lose connection to reality, I make monsters in my head, I break things, I scream and cry and from time to time I really just want to die. I hope the meds will take good care of the Satan Odjur in me and give me (& Johan of course, I often don’t understand how he accepts a life with me) some peace.
I don’t know who said it, but yeah: I hate being bipolar, it’s awesome!
Love from Sandra Juto & Satan Odjur
Disclaimer: If you suffer from mental illness, too – feel free to share your experiences but I don’t have professional expertise in the area, so I won’t be able to help you more than just being here, letting you know you’re not alone in this. Contact your local hospital if you need help.