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Satan Odjur

Pictures in this post are taken in Victoriastadt/Kaskelkiez, Lichtenberg.

I have just discovered that the anagram of Sandra Juto is SATAN ODJUR, which means SATAN BEAST in English. Maybe I should start a metal band called Satan Odjur. Maybe it’s time to try to write about what has happened to me lately, which explains my way of living since as long as I can remember. This will be personal, makes me feel quite vulnerable and I do it because if I can make just one person out there feel less alone, well here it is, let me tell you about the Satan Odjur inside of me:

I recently got diagnosed with bipolar disease (luckily type 2 which is the lighter version). The shrink asked me if I sometimes feel like I want to start a political party. I said no, but it sounds like fun. He asked me if I ever want to die. I said yes, about every third day for as long as I can remember. So now I’m on meds, I really wanted to stay away from meds, but hey I give up! Now I’m hoping they will help me live at least a little more of a stable life, it’s exhausting when I live pretty peacefully for 2 days, building up things and planning the future. Then day 3 comes and I destroy everything and sometimes I’m seriously thinking about wanting to die. Then back to where I started, hoping, believing, bulding and planning. My life has been more or less like this no matter how I tried to think differently, whatever changes I made. Sometimes it’s been more stable, but never long enough.

When I was 15 years old and was about to finish 9th grade, the teachers wrote a song about us pupils. Very nice things about everyone, but the lyrics about me were Sandra is often wet from tears. I was so ashamed, I have always been ashamed of being the one who is too emotional, until pretty recently. Now I embrace it, I have the ability to feel a lot and when I feel really good, I very much relate to how people say they feel on ecstasy (it’s not uncommon that people ask me if I’m high). Thank you, hypomania.

So the situation is like this: I can handle the (hypo)manic parts in life; they give me great energy, I keep my feet on the ground, I sometimes talk a lot, too fast and my thoughts don’t always make sense to anyone else (need to find somewhere to channel this). People suffering from bipolar disease type 1 (the rough one) might spend a lot of money or do things with negative consequences when they are in that emotional state, this is something I luckily never do. My problem is the depressive part; I sometimes lose connection to reality, I make monsters in my head, I break things, I scream and cry and from time to time I really just want to die. I hope the meds will take good care of the Satan Odjur in me and give me (& Johan of course, I often don’t understand how he accepts a life with me) some peace.

I don’t know who said it, but yeah: I hate being bipolar, it’s awesome!

Love from Sandra Juto & Satan Odjur

Disclaimer: If you suffer from mental illness, too – feel free to share your experiences but I don’t have professional expertise in the area, so I won’t be able to help you more than just being here, letting you know you’re not alone in this. Contact your local hospital if you need help.

38 Comments

  • Ktinka
    February 4, 2020 at 6:45 pm

    Sandra, this is such a heartfelt and open post. I do hope, too, that the meds do the best for you and Satan Odjur and that you will find some peace. Also, I do miss those days when we would have coffee in grey Berlin. Maybe one day you and Johan will make it to Zurich and I can treat you to a cup of coffee here. Bisous, K.

    Reply
    • Sandra Juto
      February 5, 2020 at 2:06 pm

      Hi there, would love to see Zürich one day 🙂
      Thanks for your kind words, I also hpoe the meds will help me (us haha), hope all is good over at yours!
      Sandra x

      Reply
  • Salomé Faustino
    February 4, 2020 at 6:45 pm

    Just here to send some love!

    Reply
  • Karen Sofie
    February 4, 2020 at 7:40 pm

    So well written, it gives me an insight to how it is being bipolar. I hope this new revelation (and the meds) will give you some stability and peace and quiet, as you write, and I really do applaud you for opening up and sharing. Very cool! Thanks for being ever inspiring.
    Love from Copenhagen!

    Reply
    • Sandra Juto
      February 5, 2020 at 2:09 pm

      Thank you so much, dear Karen Sofie! Your words are encouraging, and as you say – the new revelation does a lot!
      Love from Berlin <3

      Reply
  • Mette / ungt blod
    February 4, 2020 at 7:48 pm

    So good to hear you are finding some treatment! And that you are blogging! There is a lot of bipolar in my family and it can be so rough and exhausting, but treatment helps!

    The one who had the great quote about bipolar was Kanye West!

    Reply
    • Sandra Juto
      February 5, 2020 at 2:10 pm

      Haha good old Kanye, Jesus freak 😉
      Thanks for uplifting words, dear! <3

      Reply
  • Carroll
    February 4, 2020 at 7:59 pm

    Thank you for sharing,such bravery! I do not suffer from a bipolar disorder but I think sometimes that my depression could be treatable with help… Getting that help is the challenge, as many know! I am proud of you for getting the help! Well done.

    Reply
    • Sandra Juto
      February 5, 2020 at 2:14 pm

      Hope you find a solution as well, wish you all the best <3

      Reply
  • Jennifer Hammer
    February 4, 2020 at 8:07 pm

    You’re so eloquent! I hope the meds help you feel better 🧡 And jeez, your teachers could have said something kind, such as “Sandra has deep feelings” or “Sandra sees details in the world most of us miss” because I bet you did, even then.

    Reply
    • Sandra Juto
      February 5, 2020 at 2:16 pm

      I didn’t know the word eloquent before, googled and wow – thanks for the compliment! Yeah, I still get angry when I think of this specific teacher, saw her on a TV show a couple of years ago and had nightmares afterwards…

      Reply
  • Laura
    February 4, 2020 at 8:40 pm

    Thank you for sharing, Sandra! So glad you are getting treatment. I hope you find stability and peace.

    Reply
    • Sandra Juto
      February 5, 2020 at 2:20 pm

      Thank you for your thoughtfulness <3

      Reply
  • Chamvr
    February 4, 2020 at 8:46 pm

    So brave and so clear! Congrats for give visibility to this sensible topic. Thanks for sharing!

    Reply
  • Ana
    February 4, 2020 at 9:53 pm

    Hope things get better from here. A diagnosis seems like a good start!

    Reply
    • Sandra Juto
      February 5, 2020 at 2:27 pm

      You’re so right, Ana. A diagnosis really helps, makes me see things so much clearer. I guess everyone who get diagnosed feel this way, easier to accept oneself with it 🙂

      Reply
  • Josephine
    February 4, 2020 at 10:20 pm

    A long-time blog reader from Australia sending a big virtual hug! Thank you for sharing, it can’t have been easy. I have so enjoyed your blog over the years, I hope there is peace and stability in your future xxxooo

    Reply
    • Sandra Juto
      February 5, 2020 at 2:29 pm

      Thank you for caring, means a lot. Glad to have you here <3

      Reply
  • Camilla Engman
    February 4, 2020 at 11:10 pm

    <3

    Reply
  • Kirsten
    February 5, 2020 at 1:26 am

    I’m very glad you’ve been able to keep important people on your side. I hope that knowing the pattern helps control the destruction.
    I miss the manic part (things seemed so real!), but I know the part that comes after. I don’t miss that.

    Reply
    • Sandra Juto
      February 5, 2020 at 2:34 pm

      Your medicine cuts the good parts? Oh no! That’s why I was against meds at the beginning, but then my mother (she works with mental health) recommended the meds I’m taking now and they are supposed to only cut the depressive parts. Thanks for commenting, Kirsten <3

      Reply
  • Claudia Kronlechner
    February 5, 2020 at 2:02 am

    I feel for you and Johann – thank you for sharing and helping to increase awareness.
    Hug
    Claudia

    Reply
    • Sandra Juto
      February 5, 2020 at 2:34 pm

      Thank you Claudia, sweet of you to think of Johan as well 🙂 <3

      Reply
  • Claire
    February 5, 2020 at 4:03 am

    Oh lady! I can relate. Meds really helped me, but for a long time I felt that taking them would be a sign of weakness. When I started to think of them as a tool to get through a hard time it was easier to get past the stigma I put on myself. Taking meds wasn’t weakness, it was actually strength. Strength allows you to ask for and accept help. That takes a long time to understand. For me it took over 40 years, but I’m glad I finally decided to give myself a break.
    I don’t suffer from bipolar, but depression. I worry that my partner deals with too much—like I’m too much to handle. I’m not. He loves me no matter what, and it sounds like Johan loves you very much too. I’m so glad you’re giving yourself a break. We put too much pressure on ourselves!
    Sending loss of love from the states!

    Reply
    • Sandra Juto
      February 5, 2020 at 2:39 pm

      Thank you so much, Claire. So happy you got help, I keep thinking it’s better I got help at the age of 41 instead of being stubborn Sandra thinking I can manage EVERYTHING on my own, if that part of me would have been boss about this, I would probably not live so much longer. Love back at ya! S x

      Reply
  • Lucy
    February 5, 2020 at 8:19 am

    One of your long silent readers here 🙂 I´m really happy your blog is back….don´t give up!
    Thinking of you! I hope you find peace of mind and stability soon.
    You´ve got this!
    XOXO

    Reply
    • Sandra Juto
      February 5, 2020 at 2:39 pm

      Thanks so much, Lucy. And thanks for reading 🙂 xo

      Reply
  • akane
    February 5, 2020 at 9:59 am

    Thank you so much for sharing. I really hope you’ll be able to find some peace of mind now that you know what’s going on. I’ll be thinking of you and sending love.

    Reply
    • Sandra Juto
      February 5, 2020 at 2:40 pm

      Thank you, Akane! The knowing part is really important, glad you undestand 🙂 xo

      Reply
  • Moos
    February 5, 2020 at 3:56 pm

    Hey Sandra, good to see you are blogging again! Wishing you all the best from the Netherlands. Sounds like you’ve been through so much… Groetjes Moos

    Reply
    • Sandra Juto
      February 6, 2020 at 10:45 am

      Hi there, Moos! Good to have you here, oh yes – it’s been a lot going on here, phew! S x

      Reply
  • Gillian
    February 5, 2020 at 8:54 pm

    Thank you for your description, it caused a massive realisation for me.
    And wishing you all the best with your new understanding and management.
    X O

    Reply
    • Sandra Juto
      February 6, 2020 at 10:46 am

      Gillian, wish you all the best, too!
      I’m so happy when the message in this post goes through <3

      Reply
  • InaPö
    February 9, 2020 at 4:24 pm

    On one hand brave and also so relieving being so open… to me it feels like you“re (or I am) even less vulnerable.
    How could Johan not love you and want to be by your side!
    I feel so mich closer to people open and emotional and perfectly imperfect like you than to those who only have the sun shining out of their butts.
    Wonder what my diagnosis is? Definitely not bipolar, I don‘t have the manic part, it“s depressions and sometimes I wonder if I‘m on a (light) autistic spectrum. Sometimes I enjoy being with people but
    mostly I‘m overwhelmed and then too loud, interrupt others and later I‘m totally exhausted from only this little. I hope I‘ll be brave and strong enough to find out more… one day… ever. **hahaa*
    Lots of love,
    Ina

    Reply
    • Sandra Juto
      February 11, 2020 at 11:31 am

      Ina, best of luck finding out more when you’re ready.
      You wrote “mostly I‘m overwhelmed and then too loud, interrupt others and later I‘m totally exhausted from only this little”. I can relate to this so much, my conclusion is that I’m an introvert who grew up among extroverts so I “learned” to speak their language, but always ended up drained afterwards.
      Thanks for visiting and for calling me brave <3

      Reply

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