Bipolar weather, city, disease

Last week, we got 15 minutes of winter. Berlin is quite a bipolar city, not just weather wise, it’s kind of this city’s mentality. Just like mine. Shall we talk about me for a while? Together with some snowy pictures, Berlin is getting summer today.

First a small detail from this shot: Johan jumping of joy on the balcony cause he was sure he wouldn’t see any snow this “winter” for the first time in his life. 15 minutes of happiness.

The view from one of my desks in the studio.

So, a bit about me and my worst enemy, thought it was time for an update:

She, my worst enemy, has almost disappeared – that toxic “friend” inside of me who joined me through life for so many years, who tried so hard to ruin me, my relationship with Johan (and other people), my so called career, she even wanted to kill me several times, once she almost convinced me to jump in front of the tram right at the spot in the last picture of this post. She had me crying all over the city, she had me breaking things, hearts, my self-esteem, she couldn’t handle the negative comments I used to receive on this blog, so I started to write less and less, she had me hang out with other toxic people, misery loves company you know. I’m of course scared she will come back, she’s there waving at me from a distance, trying to get my attention, calling me at night. I never want to be friends with her again, she’s so evicted. Fuck off, bitch.

What I notice is that I get very exhausted a couple of days a week, it’s probably the days when I used to sink into the black hole. Instead of fighting it, I try to be kind to myself, allow myself to read a book and take a nap in the middle of the day, follow my own so called flow, give myself space to say no to other people (the pleaser in me hasn’t moved out). I know medicine is not for everyone, but it has really helped me. I’m taking something called lamotrigin/lamictal which is developed for epilepsy, but also work with bipolar disorder and they don’t know why yet, but it works for me for sure.

Stay well, friends!