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Bipolar weather, city, disease

Last week, we got 15 minutes of winter. Berlin is quite a bipolar city, not just weather wise, it’s kind of this city’s mentality. Just like mine. Shall we talk about me for a while? Together with some snowy pictures, Berlin is getting summer today.

First a small detail from this shot: Johan jumping of joy on the balcony cause he was sure he wouldn’t see any snow this “winter” for the first time in his life. 15 minutes of happiness.

The view from one of my desks in the studio.

So, a bit about me and my worst enemy, thought it was time for an update:

She, my worst enemy, has almost disappeared – that toxic “friend” inside of me who joined me through life for so many years, who tried so hard to ruin me, my relationship with Johan (and other people), my so called career, she even wanted to kill me several times, once she almost convinced me to jump in front of the tram right at the spot in the last picture of this post. She had me crying all over the city, she had me breaking things, hearts, my self-esteem, she couldn’t handle the negative comments I used to receive on this blog, so I started to write less and less, she had me hang out with other toxic people, misery loves company you know. I’m of course scared she will come back, she’s there waving at me from a distance, trying to get my attention, calling me at night. I never want to be friends with her again, she’s so evicted. Fuck off, bitch.

What I notice is that I get very exhausted a couple of days a week, it’s probably the days when I used to sink into the black hole. Instead of fighting it, I try to be kind to myself, allow myself to read a book and take a nap in the middle of the day, follow my own so called flow, give myself space to say no to other people (the pleaser in me hasn’t moved out). I know medicine is not for everyone, but it has really helped me. I’m taking something called lamotrigin/lamictal which is developed for epilepsy, but also work with bipolar disorder and they don’t know why yet, but it works for me for sure.

Stay well, friends!

30 Comments

  • Ana
    April 5, 2020 at 10:15 am

    You are brave, Sandra!

    Reply
    • Sandra
      April 6, 2020 at 6:12 am

      Thank you, Ana <3

      Reply
  • Elena
    April 5, 2020 at 10:42 am

    Thank you Sandra for sharing this.
    Take care and have a lovely weekend.

    Elena

    Reply
    • Sandra
      April 6, 2020 at 6:13 am

      Hope you had a great one too, mine was chilled and (as usual) a mix of work and rest. xo

      Reply
  • Moos
    April 5, 2020 at 11:07 am

    Hey Sandra, take care over there! Greetings from The Hague, Moos

    Reply
  • Merle
    April 5, 2020 at 12:49 pm

    I’m so glad to read you feel better!

    Reply
    • Sandra
      April 6, 2020 at 6:13 am

      Thank you, Merle.
      I hope it stays this way, it has to <3

      Reply
  • Carroll
    April 5, 2020 at 7:08 pm

    wEven though I have had enough of winter those photos are beautiful! I am so glad your medication is working. Yay!

    Reply
    • Sandra
      April 6, 2020 at 6:14 am

      Should throw a party! 🙂

      Reply
  • Mette
    April 5, 2020 at 7:37 pm

    So brave of you to share❤️ I’m so Happy you are back on the blog.

    Reply
    • Sandra
      April 6, 2020 at 6:14 am

      Thank you, Mette, glad you like it! 🙂

      Reply
  • Jonna
    April 5, 2020 at 8:36 pm

    So great to hear that the meds have helped 🖤

    Reply
    • Sandra
      April 6, 2020 at 6:14 am

      Yeah enough of black holes now, big hugs!

      Reply
  • Jeska
    April 6, 2020 at 7:42 am

    Thanks for sharing, both these powerful and personal posts and your world with us, sending invisible hugs to you & J ✨

    Reply
    • Sandra
      April 13, 2020 at 8:19 am

      Sweet you, thank you <3

      Reply
  • Minna-Liisa
    April 6, 2020 at 9:29 am

    Sounds very familiar. I have same disease and almost same medication (i have lamotrigin and brintellix. The medication has been very helpful. Thanks for sharing and please take care of yourself!

    Reply
    • Sandra
      April 13, 2020 at 8:23 am

      Minna-Liisa, thank you for commenting! I had never heard about brintellix, seems like a very good combination with the lamotrigin. Sending you a hug <3

      Reply
  • Janna
    April 6, 2020 at 12:34 pm

    Take heart and courage from the best around you. Like many others, I am sure, I have read your blog for so-o-o-o-o long but never commented. But I am so pleased to read that things are better for you that my cyber/ realworld shyness had to be overcome so I could tell you!

    Janna xx

    Reply
    • Sandra
      April 13, 2020 at 8:24 am

      Janna, thanks for saying hi! Means a lot 🙂 Logs of love to you, Sandra x

      Reply
  • Anna
    April 6, 2020 at 4:34 pm

    Hello Sandra, I love all of your photos but these are particularly beautiful! Also, thank you for sharing your story. Even though you are writing about something serious there’s still good vibes coming through these posts. Greetings from Austria, Anna

    Reply
    • Sandra
      April 13, 2020 at 8:25 am

      Anna, thanks for this, I’m happy to read that you see the good vibes too 🙂
      A big hug to you <3

      Reply
  • Bobbie Jean
    April 7, 2020 at 9:27 pm

    I’m thankful that you chose to do what you feel is right for your well-being and health. May there be no side effects. Sharing your life story is beneficial to people you will never know.

    Be well.

    Reply
  • sonrie
    April 8, 2020 at 3:43 pm

    we rarely had snow this winter as well, though I missed it. Now I am loving springtime with blooms and blossoms and fair weather. Take care of yourself as well !!

    Reply
    • Sandra
      April 13, 2020 at 8:26 am

      Thank you, dear.
      Spring is extra beautiful this year, right?

      Reply
  • Alma
    April 10, 2020 at 10:29 am

    From the list of almost 200 blogs from a few years ago I’m following only 6-7 now, yours included.
    It can’t be the bad writing or unappealing spirit of it (:

    Reply
    • Sandra
      April 13, 2020 at 8:27 am

      Alma, thanks, and wow – happy to still be on your list! I miss good blogs nowadays <3

      Reply
  • Inge
    April 14, 2020 at 10:30 am

    Thank you for this, Sandra! and for still having a beautiful blog–it brings me such joy every time I read it and see your great pictures. I’m so glad you’re feeling better xx

    Reply
    • Sandra
      April 16, 2020 at 5:38 am

      Inge, you’re so kind, thank you <3
      Glad you're still here 🙂

      Reply

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