Last week had its ups and for sure downs. It was my first really bad breakdown since 6 months. I used to have those… 1-2 times a week before I got my diagnose (bipolar 2) and medicine. This post might be brutally honest, life is brutal sometimes. It’s so frustrating that the brutality mostly goes on in my own head, triggered by different situations/comments/economical stress (stress in general) etc. That darkness attacking.
Monday started with me walking to Mitte to have my eye sight checked for the first time in maybe 18 years. I was walking filled with anger because of a friend repeatedly telling me that I overreacted when his actions led to my old glasses breaking. Telling someone with bipolar disorder that they are overreacting can lead to severe depression, which it has during my whole life. Sandra, you’re overreacting has made me feel so fucking ashamed of myself and my feelings. When finishing 9th grade, the teachers had written a song about how nice the pupils had been, except for about me: Sandra is just crying all the time, which they sang for us. WTF. Hope that doesn’t happen to kids these days.
Not saying any if this in the end is anyone else’s fault, I need the tools to build up a shield so I don’t fall. It’s going to take time, but I’ll get there.
After ordering new glasses, I went out to discover places to post about on sandrajutosberlin. It was the only thing that could keep me sane; to walk 17 kilometers around the city and look at beautiful places.
Went to Bonanza and got all nostalgic; Johan and I always went here when we were visiting back in the 00s. Stumbling inside with snow on our shoes, my glasses foggy, the guy working dropping his iphone in the coffee roasting machine. Beautiful memories, I was always happy when we were visiting.
Oderberger Strasse is one of Berlin’s most beautiful streets.
Took a stroll through Prenzlauer Berg towards…
Wohnzimmer, we went here on our wedding day for a drink. It’s one of my favourite places still, I always bring visitors here and they are completely blown away.
The picture to the left made me send Johan a text Berlin is so beautiful I could cry. Instead of crying, I laughed so hard seeing the stuff in the picture to the right. Emotional rollercoaster, imagine having to live with my brain 24/7. I guess those of you suffering from some kind of disorder can relate. Maybe others as well?
Ended up in Pankow and went to Penny for my favourite snack when out walking. Once Coca Cola asked me to work with them and I said no because I was afraid it would ruin my credibility online. So stupid, I do drink the zero one from time to time and would have really needed the cash.
Johan texted me and wanted to meet in Prenzlauer Berg after a meeting at a fetish shop he’s making graphic stuff for. So we went to Choriner Strasse to go to Lass uns Freunde bleiben, but then we saw Vino e Libri, a Sardi restaurant I haven’t been to for 6 years back when they housed at Torstrasse.
Pizza with gorgonzola and salsiccia. Bought some sour pommes candy at this Parisian corner and we walked through Mitte to take a train from Alexanderplatz.
Tuesday. Another friend told me I overreacted when a guy I don’t know asked if we should work for a midwife for almost no money at all, that I could get midwife service and that made me so angry that I didn’t know what to do. We said no to the job in a nice way and the guy I don’t know sent us a very rude email. Happy not to be working with him. Always listen to your gut. Went to Tazza to start editing pictures for my Berlin guide on instagram when Allison texted and asked if we should take a walk towards Kreuzberg. Of course! Charley joined as well.
I was exhausted, can’t remember much from that day, later sobbing like a kid all over Friedrichshain telling Johan I don’t want to be like this, I can’t help it, I just want not to have this disorder, why can’t it go away? At the same thankful that it’s not like this every week anymore. I need to avoid stress, try to inform my closest friends about this disorder and what helps and not. I don’t want them to change because of me, but if I can educate them a little bit to have a smoother relationship and avoid breakdowns, I will try. I love them so much and am so happy that they still stand me although my emotions take over. Where’s the balance? It doesn’t exist, right?
Johan fed us ramen at Hako, it helped a lot. Went home to sleep but after a whole day of thinking about how I don’t feel like myself with blonde hair, I went to DM to buy the dark brown hairdye which I have been using for years.
Woke up feeling like myself again, walking Johan to the S-Bahn and then I went to Tazza to edit pictures for this blogpost.
Had a really rough chat with an ex-friend who I had to block, hopefully I will never meet that person again. Got a whole novel about what a cruel, bad & manipulative person I am for hurting his feelings (stepped away from him last year for a reason that he proved 100x this week). It ended with him writing the most classic gaslighting message: you need to search help. This made me start writing a text about friendship breakups and I know many of you are interested in reading it, but I don’t know if I will be able to finish it. You know, I have kind of moved on and thinking about it brings back so many difficult-to-handle memories.
Decided it was time to have a sale in the shop and then I went out to meet my friends Andrew & Tom for a beer in the park.
Late night dinner on the balcony. The next day, I discovered my medicine was almost out and went to the Praxis to get a new prescription. God, this blogpost is so mememe, oh well.
We thought it was time to share a Ritrovo pizza in the heat and have dessert in the form of coffee and Lemon Soda at Tazza afterwards. People write to me how beautiful my life is. It IS, but from time to time I end up in this black hole It makes me feel like such a pain in the ass for the people around me, I do the best I can not to be a pain, but that’s usually contra-productive and makes it even more difficult.
Passed by this place on my way home.
Friday was super hot and for some reason I ate hot noodles, what a bad idea. Was writing about friendship breakups the whole day. Went to Rossmann only for the aircon, met Andrew and the gang at Badfish for Asphall cider on ice. Only way to survive the last evening with 37°C.
Love to go to Boxi early in the morning on Saturdays to look at the market being built up. It was raining and I came home looking like a wet, stray cat, went to bed and woke up to something that felt like a new life.
The geranium from Sardinia loves living in Berlin, so do I. We were about to head off for this dinner when thunder struck. 15 minutes of heavy rain and all of a sudden it was gone; we made it to the restaurant in time for our reservation.
Someone was wearing socks in sandals, you have to adapt, right? German way. Sorry about the creepy looking hands, don’t know what happened. Look at the place we were sitting at instead. Berlin, Berlin, Berlin. One of the best evenings this summer, we walked home and started watching Midsommar. Watch it!
I was working the whole day (I know my blog looks like I never work, remember that the pictures here don’t show many hours of a whole week), took a short walk around the neighbourhood. We made this dinner to finish Midsommar. It’s super simple, just: Wonton noodles with cabbage, zucchini, fermented beans, sichuan pepper, egg & crispy chili oil.
Last week was like it was. Got a bit higher hopes for this one when it comes to emotional stability, but now I’m jinxing it.
Thanks for reading (listening). Maybe I come out as completely self-obsessed; I’m doing this to hopefully give more insight for people who don’t have bipolar disorder and I also do it for people with BD to feel less alone.
Gonna quote Kanye W again: I hate being bipolar, it’s awesome.
Another note: Please don’t tell me I have a superpower for having this disorder, it doesn’t make me feel better at all when it comes to this pretty new knowledge about myself.