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The confusion

Hi! Hallo! Hej! Been analyzing myself and this blog for about a week now, what do I want? The blog just started living its own life of Berlin buildings, Berlin food, Berlin cafés, Berlin walks. I don’t even bring my camera out anymore, there is almost nothing I want to take pictures of because I have already done it. Don’t know why I jumped on this train, was it because people commented mostly about the Berlin hot recommendations? And expressing their longing and love for this city and therefore were grateful for my posts? I don’t know why I took on the role of a Berlin guide when it took over my creative life (not blaming anyone but myself for this). It became an unpaid job and I just accepted it. To please others I guess – my mum says I’ve always been a pleaser forgetting about myself. What a crazy thing to do to oneself.

SO FOLKS! The morning pages really opened up my eyes already; to write down my thoughts about my own creativity has already changed my way of thinking about pleasing myself OR others and find solutions to get out of where I’ve been stuck for years now.

Another thing is that all of a sudden being an influencer on instagram confused me even more. There were this bunch of other influencers, most of them with the same very sober, elegant style, that I tried to fit in to but it just made me insecure – I’m a loud, expressive introvert who loves colours and things that are too much and who has NO idea how to sell myself to brands, I have never contacted a brand even though there are brands I would have loved to collaborate with – I simply just have no idea about how to do it and in this world of influencers, I have noticed that people are not very keeon on sharing their ideas and strategies. I prefer being in a world of generosity and eagerness to share.

I have worked with amazing clients, not saying anything else. I would love to do more collaborations now and then as long as it doesn’t stop my own flow, where my style is what they want and not me trying to take magazine-like pictures without too much personality. This is why I have said yes to an unpaid collaboration with a company that will change our home in a way I’ve wished to do for some years (I know not getting paid isn’t ideal, but I haven’t been able to afford this change, so the possibility to do it now is more than welcome).

Since no one else wants to be in my pictures (haha), I asked Peps to model the view that will get a make-over soon. Someone asked on my instagram why I hardly post any pictures of myself. I don’t know, is that interesting?

You see, the confusion here is real. I guess the solution is to go back to my old way of blogging – posting the stuff I like without thinking about if anyone else will like it or not. I’m not on a platform where I get paid and have responsibility for clients. Some posts will end up behind a paywall eventually though – the ones that take a lot of time to write and/or are more personal (like this post). I simply can’t write this blog 100% for free anymore and honestly don’t understand why I have done it, is it a typical woman thing? Working for free and being ashamed of charging for our work? I can’t see a man doing it.

Started scribbling to try and find my visual voice again, have given it so many tries lately. Will start using this blog as a documentation of what I’m doing again and if YOU readers like it, it’s going to be an extra bonus.

I won’t stop posting Berlin, but there will be much less of it. You can go back in the archives to see a LOT of Berlin. This pandemic has to give me something new, something to collect, something to create. I really don’t want to come out of this feeling completely empty.

This blogpost is a very good example of how I ramble in my morning pages notebook, but those pages are for myself only.

Thanks for reading.

29 Comments

  • Moos
    March 10, 2021 at 12:12 pm

    Hi Sandra, I would love to see more of your creative work, always liked your drawings and such. Have a great day,
    Moos

    Reply
  • ktinka
    March 10, 2021 at 12:18 pm

    This: “posting the stuff I like without thinking about if anyone else will like it or not.”

    <3

    Reply
  • Maggie
    March 10, 2021 at 3:19 pm

    Please keep being you! I have followed you for at least 10-12 years. I so enjoy your posts. I don’t have any expectations–I just enjoy what you offer both in your pictures and your words. Thanks so much for sharing yourself and your creativity!

    Reply
    • Sandra
      March 15, 2021 at 10:57 am

      Thank you, Maggie, wow 10-12 years! Thanks for being here xo

      Reply
  • Elizabeth
    March 10, 2021 at 4:14 pm

    Thank you for sharing this! I would love to see posts about your own work and process, really just whatever comes out of your creative brain.
    Also, I love and 100% agree with this: “I prefer being in a world of generosity and eagerness to share.”

    Reply
    • Sandra
      March 15, 2021 at 10:57 am

      thanks, Elizabeth! I’m so glad to have readers these days, who don’t demand things. I used to be so stressed out from a lot of demanding comments (a reason I have removed the option to answer my stories on instagram). Phew!!

      Reply
  • sonrie
    March 10, 2021 at 4:30 pm

    I will keep reading as well! I love seeing pics of Berlin (I miss traveling and especially want to return to Germany) but I also love pics of creative process, food, dogs etc etc. I have been blogging for a long time though not as an income stream, and the focus has changed over the years in what I have wanted to document and talk about. I think it means you are human to want to reassess every now and then.

    Plus my wrist worms finally arrived and I really enjoy them! It is warm-ish here this week but colder next so I will get a few good days out of them 🙂

    Reply
    • Sandra
      March 15, 2021 at 10:56 am

      YAAAY, i’m so happy they have arrived! thanks so much for your kind words, always <3

      Reply
  • Jonna
    March 10, 2021 at 4:55 pm

    ❤️

    Reply
  • Christie
    March 10, 2021 at 5:55 pm

    Longtime follower, and also used to blog myself, back when we did these things just as an outlet for personal expression only! Imagine that. I imagine that it gets super muddy with social media and all the demands (in the form of helpful suggestions) that people send your way. You don’t have to be anything more or less than yourself, doing things the way you want them done at any given time.

    Reply
    • Sandra
      March 15, 2021 at 10:52 am

      Christie, you’re a star! Thanks!

      Reply
  • Pamela
    March 10, 2021 at 6:51 pm

    I’ve read your blog tor a long time and always enjoy your perspective! It’s been fun to see your journey through the years and how open you are to change! Much love from Canada. ❤️

    Reply
    • Sandra
      March 15, 2021 at 10:52 am

      Thank you Pamela, god I have such great readers – you put words on things I could never express in writing! Love!

      Reply
  • Brita
    March 11, 2021 at 7:30 am

    Another long time follower. You are always an inspiration and have such a remarkable eye. I hope you find clarity soon. It’s funny I’ve been thinking about this post all day and about all the things I might say but then on my afternoon walk I listened to this podcast by Andy J Pizza and thought it was super pertinent. We are living through such strange challenging times right now. Love B
    https://www.creativepeptalk.com/episodes/310

    Reply
    • Sandra
      March 15, 2021 at 10:51 am

      Thanks so much for the link, Brita! I should listen to it, never had the patience to listen to podcasts so should def give it a try! xo

      Reply
  • Rodi
    March 11, 2021 at 12:54 pm

    Looking forward to following along and reading any post you enjoy writing and seeing photos and art you love taking and making. 🙂 And cheers 🥂 to more brand collaborations in the future that will pay the bills and spark your creativity! 🧡

    Reply
    • Sandra
      March 15, 2021 at 10:50 am

      Thank you, Rodi! It’s not common to hear people cheering to brand collaborations 😉 Means a lot that you see it this way!

      Reply
  • TnT
    March 11, 2021 at 2:03 pm

    Dear Sandra,

    I have been reading your blog for ages. And I would be really happy if we could support your work here.
    Is it possible to do it with one time donations? (I am not much into the subscriber model, I have to say.)
    I have this system of support for my media (we do investigative journalism, so it is not really the same as blog on creativity and art, but still similar enough),
    and I would love to support fellow creatives in them same way, if that works for you.

    Best,

    T.

    Reply
    • Sandra
      March 15, 2021 at 10:49 am

      Thanks for asking, T!
      I totally understand your opinion about subscribing. I haven’t really learned so much about Patreon yet, brain has been too full of other things.
      I do on the other hand have a donation option in my shop (with an optional download link to some colouring sheets): https://sandrajuto.bigcartel.com/product/colouring-sheets-to-print

      Reply
  • Susanna
    March 11, 2021 at 3:44 pm

    I have enjoyed your blog and Instagram for ages and look forward to your Patreon.

    Personally I do think that women tend to do too much work for free. As a crafter I see this all the time. On the one hand, yes I do think donations and giving are wonderful. But on the other hand the reality is that compensation for ones time is important because followers and liked are nice but don’t (necessarily) pay bills! Thank you so much for your content!

    Reply
    • Sandra
      March 15, 2021 at 10:47 am

      Thanks for your insightful words, Susanna!
      Yeah bills gotta be paid, for all of us.

      Reply
  • Alina
    March 12, 2021 at 6:21 am

    Reading your words feels like you got out of a layer of fog. That’s so awesome <3

    Reply
    • Sandra
      March 15, 2021 at 10:45 am

      That’s a great description <3

      Reply
  • ELENA
    March 13, 2021 at 5:29 pm

    Sandra, I guess most of the people here want you to be real. Do whatever makes happy and comfortable. We want you to be yourself. Do not try to please anybody but you. I have been following you during the last 11 years and I don’t do that with anybody… what I mean is we are not looking for magazine pictures or a “forced Berlin Guide”, just be yourself! We love your inspiration, your chaos, your “pasta and whatever” dishes .

    “Don’t bend; don’t water it down; don’t try to make it logical; don’t edit your own soul according to the fashion. Rather, follow your most intense obsessions mercilessly.”

    ― Franz Kafka

    Reply
    • Sandra
      March 15, 2021 at 10:40 am

      Never came across that Kafka quote, it’s amazing! Thanks for sharing it and your kind words, Elena xoxo

      Reply
  • Charlotte
    March 21, 2021 at 8:34 pm

    Hi Sandra, I will 100% come and be a patreon if you do that – just letting you know. I have followed you since 2012, and never regretted it! You kept me connected to Europe when I was homesick in America, you make me remember what it is to be a creative person trying to make a living, and you have a great voice and eye. I’m sure like many people I feel I know you just from reading and following – I certainly do. As I walk around London I often think: is that a photo that Sandra would like? I admire your bravery to put so much of you out there – wish I could have some of that medicine!! All the best, Charlotte

    Reply

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