Hi! Hallo! Hej! Been analyzing myself and this blog for about a week now, what do I want? The blog just started living its own life of Berlin buildings, Berlin food, Berlin cafés, Berlin walks. I don’t even bring my camera out anymore, there is almost nothing I want to take pictures of because I have already done it. Don’t know why I jumped on this train, was it because people commented mostly about the Berlin hot recommendations? And expressing their longing and love for this city and therefore were grateful for my posts? I don’t know why I took on the role of a Berlin guide when it took over my creative life (not blaming anyone but myself for this). It became an unpaid job and I just accepted it. To please others I guess – my mum says I’ve always been a pleaser forgetting about myself. What a crazy thing to do to oneself.
SO FOLKS! The morning pages really opened up my eyes already; to write down my thoughts about my own creativity has already changed my way of thinking about pleasing myself OR others and find solutions to get out of where I’ve been stuck for years now.
Another thing is that all of a sudden being an influencer on instagram confused me even more. There were this bunch of other influencers, most of them with the same very sober, elegant style, that I tried to fit in to but it just made me insecure – I’m a loud, expressive introvert who loves colours and things that are too much and who has NO idea how to sell myself to brands, I have never contacted a brand even though there are brands I would have loved to collaborate with – I simply just have no idea about how to do it and in this world of influencers, I have noticed that people are not very keeon on sharing their ideas and strategies. I prefer being in a world of generosity and eagerness to share.
I have worked with amazing clients, not saying anything else. I would love to do more collaborations now and then as long as it doesn’t stop my own flow, where my style is what they want and not me trying to take magazine-like pictures without too much personality. This is why I have said yes to an unpaid collaboration with a company that will change our home in a way I’ve wished to do for some years (I know not getting paid isn’t ideal, but I haven’t been able to afford this change, so the possibility to do it now is more than welcome).
Since no one else wants to be in my pictures (haha), I asked Peps to model the view that will get a make-over soon. Someone asked on my instagram why I hardly post any pictures of myself. I don’t know, is that interesting?
You see, the confusion here is real. I guess the solution is to go back to my old way of blogging – posting the stuff I like without thinking about if anyone else will like it or not. I’m not on a platform where I get paid and have responsibility for clients. Some posts will end up behind a paywall eventually though – the ones that take a lot of time to write and/or are more personal (like this post). I simply can’t write this blog 100% for free anymore and honestly don’t understand why I have done it, is it a typical woman thing? Working for free and being ashamed of charging for our work? I can’t see a man doing it.
Started scribbling to try and find my visual voice again, have given it so many tries lately. Will start using this blog as a documentation of what I’m doing again and if YOU readers like it, it’s going to be an extra bonus.
I won’t stop posting Berlin, but there will be much less of it. You can go back in the archives to see a LOT of Berlin. This pandemic has to give me something new, something to collect, something to create. I really don’t want to come out of this feeling completely empty.
This blogpost is a very good example of how I ramble in my morning pages notebook, but those pages are for myself only.
Thanks for reading.